I'm not God's first Moses

You've probably heard it said before or seen it for yourself in The Bible that God used lots of unworthy, inadequate, and down-right naughty people to accomplish His Will.

That hasn't changed today.

It won't ever change.

We have all fallen short of the glory of God and yet, He wants to be in relationship with us.
He wants to use us in his grandeur plan. This often leaves me baffled, especially when I am struggling greatly with insecurities. The truth is that sometimes when I feel the Spirit's nudge of God calling me I find myself lifting up doubts and reluctance instead of praise.

What a tragedy.

Fortunately, there is a story (or a hundred) in the Bible that parallel this experience.

The story of Moses is found in Exodus (the second book in the Bible). Hang with me for a bit, because I need to set up some background just in case you aren't familiar with the story. Moses escaped infant mortality during a time when all of the Hebrew baby boys were being thrown into the Nile due to the Egyptian Pharaoh's orders. Moses' mother was desperate to save him, though, and she hid him until he was three months old. At which point she made a special basket for him and hid him in the reeds of the river. His older sister watched from her hiding place.  Pharaoh's daughter found him and pitied him and decided to keep him. The sister came out of hiding and offered to find a woman who could nurse him. (God's grace right there, because his loving mother took on the job!)

When he no longer needed to be nursed he became the son of the princess and was raised in the palace of Egypt.

Exodus 2:11-15

11 One day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to where his own people were and watched them at their hard labor. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people. 12 Looking this way and that and seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand. 13 The next day he went out and saw two Hebrews fighting. He asked the one in the wrong, “Why are you hitting your fellow Hebrew?”

14 The man said, “Who made you ruler and judge over us? Are you thinking of killing me as you killed the Egyptian?” Then Moses was afraid and thought, “What I did must have become known.”

15 When Pharaoh heard of this, he tried to kill Moses, but Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in Midian

Moses ended up getting married and having children. Then one day while he was out tending to his flock (Ex. 3:1) he experienced the supernatural when God appeared to him in a fiery bush and commanded him to go to Egypt and tell Pharaoh to Let God's people go! Read about his awesome encounter right now!

Read Exodus 3:1-4:17

Moses has been chosen by God to do something incredible! God wants to use Moses to SET HIS PEOPLE FREE, but Moses doesn't want to do it! Moses is reluctant to do what God has commanded him.

                Despite the need...
            Despite a miraculous sign...
            Despite clearly hearing the voice of God...
            Despite being commanded to do so...
            Despite being chosen...

                                                       Moses is reluctant.

Moses is reluctant to obey God. Moses is reluctant to join in on God's mission. Not just one time, but FIVE TIMES Moses comes up with excuses for his reluctance. Despite the fact that God gave Moses exactly what we are always telling God we need from Him in order to obey. You know, things like this:

“God, just show me a sign!”

“Lord, if only I knew it was really your voice telling me what to do. And if only I had clear instructions.”

              “Father, are you sure you want me to do it?”

So you know what stood out to me in this story?  I'm not God's first Moses.

So many of my doubts and questions look a lot like Moses'. Take a closer look with me. Let's break down his five expressions of reluctance right here:

First (Ex. 3:11), Moses questions the calling. “Who am I to go?” (Surely, you’ve never done that when God has called you.) Moses was questioning God’s choice. God was choosing Moses and Moses was saying, “You should rethink that.”

Second (Ex. 3:13), Moses questions the source. Maybe he is just stalling here, but maybe he also wants to be, like, really sure that it is actually God talking to him and not some other being who could speak to him out of a fiery bush without letting the bush burn and then claim that area of ground as holy. Riiiiiight. So he not-so-slyly says “Okay, well who do I tell the Israelites sent me when they ask what his name is?”

Third (Ex. 4:1), Moses fears how the Israelites will respond and doubts God’s sovereignty in the situation. “What if they don’t believe me or listen to me when I get there?”

Fourth (Ex. 4:10), Moses doubts his own abilities and expresses his reluctance by saying he isn’t qualified for the job. “I’m not good with words.”

Fifth (Ex. 4:13), Moses practices some blatant reluctance as if God's command is somehow an optional request. “Lord, please send someone else!”

Are you anything like me? I am so much like Moses, sometimes. How often is it that we say we just need a little more clarity, a little more certainty, a few more answers from God and THEN we can move forward to the land he is calling us to? 

But this story isn't just about Moses' reluctance; it is also about God's sovereignty and faithfulness. Take a gander at God's five responses:

To Moses’ Who am I to go? God assured, “I will be with you.”

To Moses’ doubt about the source of this command, God guaranteed, “I AM.”

To Moses’ fear of the unknown, God revealed, “I have the power.”

To Moses’ insecurities God claimed, “The GREAT I AM made you and will do it through you.”

To Moses’ plea for God to choose someone else, God provided Aaron as a helper and promised his continued provision, “I will help you and teach you.”

Over Moses' greatest fears and doubts God spoke out promise and provision. In spite of Moses' reluctance God pursued him as the one destined for the plan. And God followed through on every. single. word.

You may be like me and find yourself expressing reluctance to obey God--it might be reluctance to give up an area of sin in your life or it might be reluctance to act on a calling He has placed on your heart--you aren't God's first Moses, either. 

Which means a couple things:

1. Our poor track records and excuses aren't enough to deter Him from wanting to use us. 

2. God will use us to build His kingdom and set people free IF we will obey His call.

God is calling me to something.

He is calling you to something.

I pray and hope that we won't plea to The Father, "Please call someone else!" The loss will be ours.

I want to confess my reluctance to act on God's call and then turn and run wildly and passionately in pursuit of the Promise Land.

I'm not God's first Moses... but I'd like to be his next. :)

i want to be significant

1. sig·nif·i·cant

   siɡˈnifikənt/

   adjective

   1. 1.

      sufficiently great or important to be worthy of attention; noteworthy.

      "a significant increase in sales"

      synonyms:

      notable, noteworthy, worthy of attention, remarkable, important, of importance, of consequence, signal; More

   When I was a child I daydreamed of standing before crowds of people who knew my name. The reason they adored me often varied. Sometimes I was an actress or a singer, but often it wasn't talent that poured out of me, but something even more valuable to me: influence.

   
   

   I dreamt of leading movements that changed the world; I imagined myself doing something that mattered, that made people's lives better. Sometimes I was a princess who defied cultural norms (though at 8-years-old I didn't know what cultural norms were, I just knew that it wasn't expected of young women-or women in general-and I was eager to do the unexpected), sometimes I was a poor girl who worked hard to make a name for herself, other times I was a young lady with cancer and I used the disease as a megaphone to get the message I carried heard. I longed for the simplicity of a utopia-like idealistic world. I didn't understand why people couldn't just be kind to one another. The truth is I still feel that way.
   
   

   I felt like God had created me with a voice for sharing messages that He would give me.

   I felt like... no, I knew... that God had called me to be a voice. One of His voices. 

   And I never ever doubted that God could do it through me if he wanted to. I didn't question my value or worth to be used by God. I was His and He could do awesome things.

   
   

   But something starts to happen as we grow up--it gets more difficult to dream. Maybe we start becoming too logical. We want to map out a route to get to our destination, not trust to be led moment by moment through scary forests and deceptively beautiful poppy fields until we arrive at The Great Land of Oz. 

   
   

   We lose site of Truth.

   
   

   The Truth that we are made by the great Creator--who made all things. (John 1:3, Colossians 1:16, Romans 11:36).

   
   

   I asked lots of questions growing up, but the older I got the more those questions changed. Instead of wondering how God could use me, I started asking, "why God would use me". I started thinking, "who am I to be used by God?" instead of, "who am I not to be used by him?"

   
   

   Why not me?

   
   

   I'm made by The King. I am His. So why shouldn't I go do great things for His Kingdom? Who am I not to if I belong to Him?

   
   

   The shift from that thinking might be steeped in the deep desire as a Jesus-follower to become less; to humble myself. And don't mishear me, because I believe the words of John 3:30 to be true.

   
   

   "I must become less, he must become more."

   
   

   John the Baptist was 'preparing the way' for Jesus Christ, the son of Man and the son of God. He had been sharing the Good News and baptizing people. John had some disciples--students you might consider them--and when they realized Jesus was baptizing people and more people were going to him, maybe they got a little protective of their turf. I'm not sure. But they went to John and said, "Hey! That guy who was with you is now baptizing over there and all the people are going to him."

   
   

   John answers their questions and concerns saying that people only have what is given to them from Heaven. He was saying, "guys, the only reason I was able to do what I did, have the reputation I have, lead the way I have led, is because God gave that to me." He reminds them that He is not the headliner, he is not The Messiah, he was only the opener and the real show belongs to Jesus. Then his famous line comes in, "I must become less, he must become more." 

   
   

   I sigh with relief when I read those words, and maybe that confuses you after I just poured out my secret inner desire from childhood to really matter in this world. I won't lie and pretend that I'm not susceptible to pride or selfishness. I like to be appreciated and affirmed. I like when people realize I am good at something.  Is that only me? ;)

   
   

   John the Baptist had done great things. Incredibly amazing things. He got to have an awesome job: He prepared the way for The Son of God. How indescribable. How breathtaking. How unfathomable.
   
   How significant.
   
   And when I think about it, I realize--that's it! Every human being is innately wired to want to do something that matters. Sometimes that wiring gets shaped by darkness and other times it gets nurtured on the fertile ground of the Holy Spirit and it takes shape in the hands of its Creator and it gets used to do the unimaginable, miraculous work of God on this earth. His Kingdom Come.
   
   I want to live according to Jesus' teaching to deny myself and follow him; but I don't want to get caught up in whatever confused internal culture we've created that Satan uses to convince us that denying ourselves means denying the God-given dreams welling up inside of us.
   
   

   I have dreams. Dreams I believe are from The Lord. I'm going to give everything I have to pursue those dreams for HIS GLORY; I'm going to work at them for The Lord and not myself (Col. 3:23). I'm going to lay them down on the altar. Every. Day. So HE can resurrect them and breathe life into them on his terms again and again. In his timing. In his way. For his glory.
   
   Because I want to do something significant in my life. I want to be significant. And I'm convinced that these things are only possible when I submit to my King and live in my identity as his precious and beloved daughter.

you can do lots of things in a dress: like fight

I have a strong (sometimes annoying) presence, a loud personality (also occasionally annoying), and an extremely tender heart.

My heart is tender for the suffering in the world; especially the suffering of women and children, oh especially children. It is difficult for me to learn about the injustices of our world and how they affect children without coming to a near breakdown each time. The magnitude of this weight only increased with the birth of each of my beautiful and precious daughters. When I read about a small child abused at the hands of those who should have loved and protected them, my mind immediately goes to these sweet girls and their innocence. Every child deserves to be loved and protected, nurtured and valued; not just the children from my womb.

In the past few years there has been a growing awareness of the issue of Human Trafficking in our world and the issues of modern day slavery. More than 27 million people--27 million individuals--are living in slavery today. 800,000 individuals are trafficked across international borders every year. According to the U.S. State Department 70% of those are females and half are children.
EVERY YEAR,  One Million Children are exploited by the global commercial sex trade. Human trafficking is the third largest international crime industry (behind illegal drugs and arms trafficking). It reportedly generates a profit of $32 billion every year. Of that number, $15.5 billion is made in industrialized countries.

I can hardly stomach the facts, but they are devastatingly true.

So when a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she would be joining in a movement called "dressember" because the fight against human trafficking was something she felt very passionately about I nearly jumped off the couch to link arms with her.

I don't like wearing dresses very much, (boy wouldn't I love to slip some jeans on today!) :) and the reality is that wearing a dress doesn't do anything for the women and children who are living in bondage, being sexually abused and raped day after day, probably wondering what life is for if this is all they know now.

What I would give to hold them in my arms.
What I would do to look them in the eyes and tell them they have value beyond description.
What I would sacrifice to free them.

But what can I do to free them? Right here in Kansas, I can't physically do much to break their chains or fight their oppressors, but there are people and organizations like International Justice Mission https://www.ijm.org and Free the Slaves who are doing good and powerful work. They are doing work that is actually freeing people! And when they free these people they nurture them back to mental, emotional, and physical health through their aftercare programs.  They are doing the work! But they need our support. Let's shoot straight here: they need money.

A few days after Dressember began I was reading a story sent out by the International Justice Mission. I read about their first ever rescue mission that was done in 2003. 37 girls were rescued in that mission! Then I read something that brings tears to my eyes to even write it here. The youngest of those girls was only 5 years old. A five-year-old girl being sold night after night to sex tourists and men who came to the area because they knew they could find young girls. When I read this a sob escaped my mouth and I buried my face in my hands and wept. I wept for a long time.

That little girl was worth so much more than she had ever been told. Thank you to God's work with IJM she was freed and rehabilitated. So now she can be kept safe and nurtured as she should.

I hope someone held her tiny hands, looked her in the eyes and told her how much God loves her and how precious she is. In my mind I keep hearing a phrase expressed at the Southern District Youth Conference held a few weeks ago. "You are worth one Jesus Christ."

These women and children are worth Jesus Christ to God. Worth his life and his death.

What are they worth to you?

Suddenly, $25 or $50 or $500 just doesn't seem like that much does it. The sacrifice to help save them could be small. Please consider donating to help free women and children from slavery.

I'll keep fighting for them... and if that means putting on a dress to raise awareness and money then I will. I'll fight for them in a dress and on my knees.

Donate here today.

freedom to obey

Penelope (my one year old) woke up at 5:45am today.

Despite the Royals keeping me up past my bedtime last night, this really didn't turn out badly for me. She went back to sleep after I fed her and I was showered and sitting on the couch for some quiet time with The Lord by 6:20am.

Sigh.

After my quiet time I went to the kitchen for some breakfast and a cup of chai. I took a seat in one of our maroon 70s rolling-swivel chairs (left in the home when we purchased it) that sits at the island counter. I ate my breakfast and sipped my chai while continuing a casual conversational prayer with The Lord.

These moments were still and quiet and lovely; I was communing with The Holy One over a cup of chai and it couldn't have been more sacred.

Everyone else in the house continued sleeping and I watched outside as the darkness slowly became silhouettes of trees and houses.  I could have sat there for hours. It was just so peaceful.

I've been sensing for some time now The Lord calling us, my husband & I, to something. Something I'm not quite ready to announce to the world... but something.

Something we aren't qualified for.
Something we have a lot of work to do to get ready for.
Something we don't have all the answers for.

Something, that without Jesus, we certainly would never be able to do.

And this morning I felt the calming presence of The Holy Spirit resting graciously on me.

Big decisions in life can be so overwhelming, amen? But I am so thankful for the promises of God. Promises like this one:

James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given you."

I can ask God what we should do with this something and he will give us the wisdom to make the right decision.

But... "God doesn't offer his wisdom as an opinion to be considered at your convenience. God is not a member of your advisory committee. He is your Lord. His wisdom is truth. You must act on his wisdom if you want him to give you more" (Rick Warren, Trasnformed Campaign Devotional, Day 20).

So moment by moment over the past several months I have been going to The Lord with these Holy Spirit "nudgings" about this "something" and asking him for wisdom. There are so many scary, unanswered questions and risks. Nonetheless what I find most fruitful in seeking The Lord for wisdom is this: I must go into that conversation with The Lord already having said yes to however he instructs me. When I obey the wisdom he grants me then he continues to give me more wisdom and more direction. This is an incredibly good thing because I am far from adequate in being able to produce these wise decisions on my own! There is no pro and con list that can sufficiently weigh the great-unknown like The Almighty God can!

I wrote in my journal in a few days ago.. "Thank you, God! Thank you for your willingness to grant us wisdom. What an incredible blessing and relief that is."

It is a relief, because I can trust that God's wisdom is never foolish! I don't have to live in this huge gaping hole of fear that we could make a decision that isn't right for our family or for our children--oh how I could live in that hole and never see the light!--but I don't have to!

And THAT is freedom in Jesus.

Freedom for this scared, worried, inadequate, unsure woman who doesn't want to screw up.
Freedom to trust.
Freedom to obey.
Freedom to live life to the full.

Does it get any better than that? Not to me, it doesn't.

I haven't always been this way

I work with teenagers: young people trying to figure out who they are in this world. Some of those teens have gone through difficult, dark times. Sometimes they look at my life now and see a wonderful husband, two amazing daughters, a totally rocking awesome job and they think, "No wonder she is happy. No wonder she says God is faithful. Her life is great."

I want them to have the hope that I have found, but I haven't always been this hopeful about life.

Part of them maybe believes me when I tell them I went through dark times, but I don't think they really get it. Not really.

There was a time in my life when everything inside my head was dark. I knew Jesus. Or at least, I had known Jesus very intimately at one point. But through a variety of negative circumstances and one traumatic event--something had changed.

I was a total mess--completely broken--and my brokenness spewed into all other areas of life, especially my relationships.

People didn't understand me and I didn't know how to be understood. I could have a wonderful day filled with good things, but at the end of the day still feel sad and dark. This only caused me to feel guilty about not being grateful for the good. It was a downward spiral and it rarely let-up. Though not everyone would have known that. There were times when it wasn't so bad. I was struggling with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety and Depression. Anyone familiar with any of those things knows what a roller-coaster that can be.

I've decided to go out on a limb here--after all I did title my blog "Confessions of the Inadequate". I've decided to publicly share a series of poems from what was the spiritually darkest season of my life. The poems span about 18 months. Each would appear in my journal at a starting point, and then reappear--adding words, phrases, et cetera--until they were completed. I've dated the pieces with the dates I finished them. It's a journey from darkness to light--that light being the hope and healing you can only find in Jesus.
I'm sharing these poems not because they are so amazing (that just isn't the case), I'm sharing them because I know somewhere out there people can relate even if just to one line and I think that is important; important for us to realize just how not alone we are. Important to realize that no matter how confident, hopeful, joyful, or put together someone may seem, they have a story and that story probably has some dark moments that have shaped who they are and how they see the world.

These are some of mine.

-

28 February 2006

My flesh itches for the taste of tears
falling on the skin
I long & plead & fight for them
to release the pain within

The weapon lies inside of me
wreaking havoc where it falls
It matters not what I fight it with
it torments me all day long

So I wrestle and give myself just to conquer it
as inside it rages war
It smiles as I look in the mirror & whisper
"I don't know who you are"

I think of thoughts more lovely
and turn my face into the sun
but still the darkness finds me there
I've never truly won

-

12 June 2006

The dark & deep, disgraceful hole
finds itself in me again
it lurks among the shadowed places
until it finds my weakness to give in

I try often to escape it
I've ran, I've hidden, & I've fought
but nothing is ever quite enough
to fill the emptiness up

It comes & it makes nothingness
a nothing with presence & with greed
it gathers, devours, and multiplies
until its made thick nothingness of me

-

30 April 2007

I wander lost in a world I know not
but one that is all too familiar with me
I have tasted its produce, breathed in its air
it has made a product of me

But in Your Kingdom is where I want to dwell
where the weak are strong & the sick made well
where death has been beaten & peace has been made
it is here I want to spend my days

Though the battle rages & turmoil strikes
I have found what makes me free
In the morn I call on Amazing Grace
and in the night I name it sweet victory

-

Last night as I was tucking Lydia in to bed a thought struck me so suddenly that I wanted to freeze time. Every night that Lydia goes to bed she is different than she was the night before. Every single day her mind is developing and changing, she is growing and learning. It isn't that one day she suddenly knows how to write all of her letters or spell a word. Slowly, over time, her mind absorbs the information she is receiving and she is changed. Little by little. Moment by moment. Day by day.

The same is true for us--maybe not at quite the same speed as when we are young children--but true nonetheless.

Every day of our lives we can look back and say, "I haven't always been this way."

The events we are facing in life, the circumstances we are dealing with, the hardships we have faced, the blessings we have received, the gifts we cherish, the lives we touch and those that have touched ours... we are changing. Every moment. Every day. Every year.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.
I've done a lot of terrible things.
I haven't always been a very good friend to friends I cherish and love deeply.
There have been times I have really hurt people.
And as you can see from the words above, some of the seasons of my life were dark and ugly.

It can be easy to look at times in our lives and feel like failures.
I know I've been there.

But hope is not lost, because Jesus can change us. (2 Cor. 5:17, Rom. 12:2)
Moment by moment.
Day by day.
Year by year.

I am so grateful for the miraculous work Jesus has done in my life. I am so grateful that he didn't leave me where I was, but instead changed me and renewed me so that I can look back at where I have come from to where I am and say with joy and freedom, I am not who I was! 

1 Peter 3:15 says "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have."

This is what I am trying to accomplish with this blog. I hope it points to Jesus as the source of my hope, the source of my confidence, the source of my joy, the source of any success I have had in life.

I'm nothing without Jesus.
My talents are nothing without Jesus.
My story would be nothing but darkness if it weren't for Jesus.

I'm going to wrap this blog up with another poem from my old beloved journals. You'll notice this was written some time during that dark period of my life. Jesus was always shining through. He never failed me. He never let me out of his grasp. It just took a little time for me to learn to open my eyes. You know, just like when you step out of a dark room and into the light... it takes a little while for you to see things clearly.

-
21 August 2006

Sweet, sweet embracing sun
rise again for me
Drive away the dark of night
warm the cold of pain

Touch my skin, my sweet raising sun
Let me cradle myself in you

Comfort me in my suffering
Show me the light of day
And when the night time comes again
I will not be afraid
-