I have a strong (sometimes annoying) presence, a loud personality (also occasionally annoying), and an extremely tender heart.
My heart is tender for the suffering in the world; especially the suffering of women and children, oh especially children. It is difficult for me to learn about the injustices of our world and how they affect children without coming to a near breakdown each time. The magnitude of this weight only increased with the birth of each of my beautiful and precious daughters. When I read about a small child abused at the hands of those who should have loved and protected them, my mind immediately goes to these sweet girls and their innocence. Every child deserves to be loved and protected, nurtured and valued; not just the children from my womb.
In the past few years there has been a growing awareness of the issue of Human Trafficking in our world and the issues of modern day slavery. More than 27 million people--27 million individuals--are living in slavery today. 800,000 individuals are trafficked across international borders every year. According to the U.S. State Department 70% of those are females and half are children.
EVERY YEAR, One Million Children are exploited by the global commercial sex trade. Human trafficking is the third largest international crime industry (behind illegal drugs and arms trafficking). It reportedly generates a profit of $32 billion every year. Of that number, $15.5 billion is made in industrialized countries.
I can hardly stomach the facts, but they are devastatingly true.
So when a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she would be joining in a movement called "dressember" because the fight against human trafficking was something she felt very passionately about I nearly jumped off the couch to link arms with her.
I don't like wearing dresses very much, (boy wouldn't I love to slip some jeans on today!) :) and the reality is that wearing a dress doesn't do anything for the women and children who are living in bondage, being sexually abused and raped day after day, probably wondering what life is for if this is all they know now.
What I would give to hold them in my arms.
What I would do to look them in the eyes and tell them they have value beyond description.
What I would sacrifice to free them.
But what can I do to free them? Right here in Kansas, I can't physically do much to break their chains or fight their oppressors, but there are people and organizations like International Justice Mission https://www.ijm.org and Free the Slaves who are doing good and powerful work. They are doing work that is actually freeing people! And when they free these people they nurture them back to mental, emotional, and physical health through their aftercare programs. They are doing the work! But they need our support. Let's shoot straight here: they need money.
A few days after Dressember began I was reading a story sent out by the International Justice Mission. I read about their first ever rescue mission that was done in 2003. 37 girls were rescued in that mission! Then I read something that brings tears to my eyes to even write it here. The youngest of those girls was only 5 years old. A five-year-old girl being sold night after night to sex tourists and men who came to the area because they knew they could find young girls. When I read this a sob escaped my mouth and I buried my face in my hands and wept. I wept for a long time.
That little girl was worth so much more than she had ever been told. Thank you to God's work with IJM she was freed and rehabilitated. So now she can be kept safe and nurtured as she should.
I hope someone held her tiny hands, looked her in the eyes and told her how much God loves her and how precious she is. In my mind I keep hearing a phrase expressed at the Southern District Youth Conference held a few weeks ago. "You are worth one Jesus Christ."
These women and children are worth Jesus Christ to God. Worth his life and his death.
What are they worth to you?
Suddenly, $25 or $50 or $500 just doesn't seem like that much does it. The sacrifice to help save them could be small. Please consider donating to help free women and children from slavery.
I'll keep fighting for them... and if that means putting on a dress to raise awareness and money then I will. I'll fight for them in a dress and on my knees.
Donate here today.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Monday, October 27, 2014
freedom to obey
Penelope (my one year old) woke up at 5:45am today.
Despite the Royals keeping me up past my bedtime last night, this really didn't turn out badly for me. She went back to sleep after I fed her and I was showered and sitting on the couch for some quiet time with The Lord by 6:20am.
Sigh.
After my quiet time I went to the kitchen for some breakfast and a cup of chai. I took a seat in one of our maroon 70s rolling-swivel chairs (left in the home when we purchased it) that sits at the island counter. I ate my breakfast and sipped my chai while continuing a casual conversational prayer with The Lord.
These moments were still and quiet and lovely; I was communing with The Holy One over a cup of chai and it couldn't have been more sacred.
Everyone else in the house continued sleeping and I watched outside as the darkness slowly became silhouettes of trees and houses. I could have sat there for hours. It was just so peaceful.
I've been sensing for some time now The Lord calling us, my husband & I, to something. Something I'm not quite ready to announce to the world... but something.
Something we aren't qualified for.
Something we have a lot of work to do to get ready for.
Something we don't have all the answers for.
Something, that without Jesus, we certainly would never be able to do.
And this morning I felt the calming presence of The Holy Spirit resting graciously on me.
Big decisions in life can be so overwhelming, amen? But I am so thankful for the promises of God. Promises like this one:
James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given you."
I can ask God what we should do with this something and he will give us the wisdom to make the right decision.
But... "God doesn't offer his wisdom as an opinion to be considered at your convenience. God is not a member of your advisory committee. He is your Lord. His wisdom is truth. You must act on his wisdom if you want him to give you more" (Rick Warren, Trasnformed Campaign Devotional, Day 20).
So moment by moment over the past several months I have been going to The Lord with these Holy Spirit "nudgings" about this "something" and asking him for wisdom. There are so many scary, unanswered questions and risks. Nonetheless what I find most fruitful in seeking The Lord for wisdom is this: I must go into that conversation with The Lord already having said yes to however he instructs me. When I obey the wisdom he grants me then he continues to give me more wisdom and more direction. This is an incredibly good thing because I am far from adequate in being able to produce these wise decisions on my own! There is no pro and con list that can sufficiently weigh the great-unknown like The Almighty God can!
I wrote in my journal in a few days ago.. "Thank you, God! Thank you for your willingness to grant us wisdom. What an incredible blessing and relief that is."
It is a relief, because I can trust that God's wisdom is never foolish! I don't have to live in this huge gaping hole of fear that we could make a decision that isn't right for our family or for our children--oh how I could live in that hole and never see the light!--but I don't have to!
And THAT is freedom in Jesus.
Freedom for this scared, worried, inadequate, unsure woman who doesn't want to screw up.
Freedom to trust.
Freedom to obey.
Freedom to live life to the full.
Does it get any better than that? Not to me, it doesn't.
Despite the Royals keeping me up past my bedtime last night, this really didn't turn out badly for me. She went back to sleep after I fed her and I was showered and sitting on the couch for some quiet time with The Lord by 6:20am.
Sigh.
After my quiet time I went to the kitchen for some breakfast and a cup of chai. I took a seat in one of our maroon 70s rolling-swivel chairs (left in the home when we purchased it) that sits at the island counter. I ate my breakfast and sipped my chai while continuing a casual conversational prayer with The Lord.
These moments were still and quiet and lovely; I was communing with The Holy One over a cup of chai and it couldn't have been more sacred.
Everyone else in the house continued sleeping and I watched outside as the darkness slowly became silhouettes of trees and houses. I could have sat there for hours. It was just so peaceful.
I've been sensing for some time now The Lord calling us, my husband & I, to something. Something I'm not quite ready to announce to the world... but something.
Something we aren't qualified for.
Something we have a lot of work to do to get ready for.
Something we don't have all the answers for.
Something, that without Jesus, we certainly would never be able to do.
And this morning I felt the calming presence of The Holy Spirit resting graciously on me.
Big decisions in life can be so overwhelming, amen? But I am so thankful for the promises of God. Promises like this one:
James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given you."
I can ask God what we should do with this something and he will give us the wisdom to make the right decision.
But... "God doesn't offer his wisdom as an opinion to be considered at your convenience. God is not a member of your advisory committee. He is your Lord. His wisdom is truth. You must act on his wisdom if you want him to give you more" (Rick Warren, Trasnformed Campaign Devotional, Day 20).
So moment by moment over the past several months I have been going to The Lord with these Holy Spirit "nudgings" about this "something" and asking him for wisdom. There are so many scary, unanswered questions and risks. Nonetheless what I find most fruitful in seeking The Lord for wisdom is this: I must go into that conversation with The Lord already having said yes to however he instructs me. When I obey the wisdom he grants me then he continues to give me more wisdom and more direction. This is an incredibly good thing because I am far from adequate in being able to produce these wise decisions on my own! There is no pro and con list that can sufficiently weigh the great-unknown like The Almighty God can!
I wrote in my journal in a few days ago.. "Thank you, God! Thank you for your willingness to grant us wisdom. What an incredible blessing and relief that is."
It is a relief, because I can trust that God's wisdom is never foolish! I don't have to live in this huge gaping hole of fear that we could make a decision that isn't right for our family or for our children--oh how I could live in that hole and never see the light!--but I don't have to!
And THAT is freedom in Jesus.
Freedom for this scared, worried, inadequate, unsure woman who doesn't want to screw up.
Freedom to trust.
Freedom to obey.
Freedom to live life to the full.
Does it get any better than that? Not to me, it doesn't.
Friday, October 24, 2014
I haven't always been this way
I work with teenagers: young people trying to figure out who they are in this world. Some of those teens have gone through difficult, dark times. Sometimes they look at my life now and see a wonderful husband, two amazing daughters, a totally rocking awesome job and they think, "No wonder she is happy. No wonder she says God is faithful. Her life is great."
I want them to have the hope that I have found, but I haven't always been this hopeful about life.
Part of them maybe believes me when I tell them I went through dark times, but I don't think they really get it. Not really.
There was a time in my life when everything inside my head was dark. I knew Jesus. Or at least, I had known Jesus very intimately at one point. But through a variety of negative circumstances and one traumatic event--something had changed.
I was a total mess--completely broken--and my brokenness spewed into all other areas of life, especially my relationships.
People didn't understand me and I didn't know how to be understood. I could have a wonderful day filled with good things, but at the end of the day still feel sad and dark. This only caused me to feel guilty about not being grateful for the good. It was a downward spiral and it rarely let-up. Though not everyone would have known that. There were times when it wasn't so bad. I was struggling with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety and Depression. Anyone familiar with any of those things knows what a roller-coaster that can be.
I've decided to go out on a limb here--after all I did title my blog "Confessions of the Inadequate". I've decided to publicly share a series of poems from what was the spiritually darkest season of my life. The poems span about 18 months. Each would appear in my journal at a starting point, and then reappear--adding words, phrases, et cetera--until they were completed. I've dated the pieces with the dates I finished them. It's a journey from darkness to light--that light being the hope and healing you can only find in Jesus.
I'm sharing these poems not because they are so amazing (that just isn't the case), I'm sharing them because I know somewhere out there people can relate even if just to one line and I think that is important; important for us to realize just how not alone we are. Important to realize that no matter how confident, hopeful, joyful, or put together someone may seem, they have a story and that story probably has some dark moments that have shaped who they are and how they see the world.
These are some of mine.
-
28 February 2006
My flesh itches for the taste of tears
falling on the skin
I long & plead & fight for them
to release the pain within
The weapon lies inside of me
wreaking havoc where it falls
It matters not what I fight it with
it torments me all day long
So I wrestle and give myself just to conquer it
as inside it rages war
It smiles as I look in the mirror & whisper
"I don't know who you are"
I think of thoughts more lovely
and turn my face into the sun
but still the darkness finds me there
I've never truly won
-
12 June 2006
The dark & deep, disgraceful hole
finds itself in me again
it lurks among the shadowed places
until it finds my weakness to give in
I try often to escape it
I've ran, I've hidden, & I've fought
but nothing is ever quite enough
to fill the emptiness up
It comes & it makes nothingness
a nothing with presence & with greed
it gathers, devours, and multiplies
until its made thick nothingness of me
-
30 April 2007
I wander lost in a world I know not
but one that is all too familiar with me
I have tasted its produce, breathed in its air
it has made a product of me
But in Your Kingdom is where I want to dwell
where the weak are strong & the sick made well
where death has been beaten & peace has been made
it is here I want to spend my days
Though the battle rages & turmoil strikes
I have found what makes me free
In the morn I call on Amazing Grace
and in the night I name it sweet victory
-
Last night as I was tucking Lydia in to bed a thought struck me so suddenly that I wanted to freeze time. Every night that Lydia goes to bed she is different than she was the night before. Every single day her mind is developing and changing, she is growing and learning. It isn't that one day she suddenly knows how to write all of her letters or spell a word. Slowly, over time, her mind absorbs the information she is receiving and she is changed. Little by little. Moment by moment. Day by day.
The same is true for us--maybe not at quite the same speed as when we are young children--but true nonetheless.
Every day of our lives we can look back and say, "I haven't always been this way."
The events we are facing in life, the circumstances we are dealing with, the hardships we have faced, the blessings we have received, the gifts we cherish, the lives we touch and those that have touched ours... we are changing. Every moment. Every day. Every year.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.
I've done a lot of terrible things.
I haven't always been a very good friend to friends I cherish and love deeply.
There have been times I have really hurt people.
And as you can see from the words above, some of the seasons of my life were dark and ugly.
It can be easy to look at times in our lives and feel like failures.
I know I've been there.
But hope is not lost, because Jesus can change us. (2 Cor. 5:17, Rom. 12:2)
Moment by moment.
Day by day.
Year by year.
I am so grateful for the miraculous work Jesus has done in my life. I am so grateful that he didn't leave me where I was, but instead changed me and renewed me so that I can look back at where I have come from to where I am and say with joy and freedom, I am not who I was!
1 Peter 3:15 says "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have."
This is what I am trying to accomplish with this blog. I hope it points to Jesus as the source of my hope, the source of my confidence, the source of my joy, the source of any success I have had in life.
I'm nothing without Jesus.
My talents are nothing without Jesus.
My story would be nothing but darkness if it weren't for Jesus.
I'm going to wrap this blog up with another poem from my old beloved journals. You'll notice this was written some time during that dark period of my life. Jesus was always shining through. He never failed me. He never let me out of his grasp. It just took a little time for me to learn to open my eyes. You know, just like when you step out of a dark room and into the light... it takes a little while for you to see things clearly.
-
21 August 2006
Sweet, sweet embracing sun
rise again for me
Drive away the dark of night
warm the cold of pain
Touch my skin, my sweet raising sun
Let me cradle myself in you
Comfort me in my suffering
Show me the light of day
And when the night time comes again
I will not be afraid
-
I want them to have the hope that I have found, but I haven't always been this hopeful about life.
Part of them maybe believes me when I tell them I went through dark times, but I don't think they really get it. Not really.
There was a time in my life when everything inside my head was dark. I knew Jesus. Or at least, I had known Jesus very intimately at one point. But through a variety of negative circumstances and one traumatic event--something had changed.
I was a total mess--completely broken--and my brokenness spewed into all other areas of life, especially my relationships.
People didn't understand me and I didn't know how to be understood. I could have a wonderful day filled with good things, but at the end of the day still feel sad and dark. This only caused me to feel guilty about not being grateful for the good. It was a downward spiral and it rarely let-up. Though not everyone would have known that. There were times when it wasn't so bad. I was struggling with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety and Depression. Anyone familiar with any of those things knows what a roller-coaster that can be.
I've decided to go out on a limb here--after all I did title my blog "Confessions of the Inadequate". I've decided to publicly share a series of poems from what was the spiritually darkest season of my life. The poems span about 18 months. Each would appear in my journal at a starting point, and then reappear--adding words, phrases, et cetera--until they were completed. I've dated the pieces with the dates I finished them. It's a journey from darkness to light--that light being the hope and healing you can only find in Jesus.
I'm sharing these poems not because they are so amazing (that just isn't the case), I'm sharing them because I know somewhere out there people can relate even if just to one line and I think that is important; important for us to realize just how not alone we are. Important to realize that no matter how confident, hopeful, joyful, or put together someone may seem, they have a story and that story probably has some dark moments that have shaped who they are and how they see the world.
These are some of mine.
-
28 February 2006
My flesh itches for the taste of tears
falling on the skin
I long & plead & fight for them
to release the pain within
The weapon lies inside of me
wreaking havoc where it falls
It matters not what I fight it with
it torments me all day long
So I wrestle and give myself just to conquer it
as inside it rages war
It smiles as I look in the mirror & whisper
"I don't know who you are"
I think of thoughts more lovely
and turn my face into the sun
but still the darkness finds me there
I've never truly won
-
12 June 2006
The dark & deep, disgraceful hole
finds itself in me again
it lurks among the shadowed places
until it finds my weakness to give in
I try often to escape it
I've ran, I've hidden, & I've fought
but nothing is ever quite enough
to fill the emptiness up
It comes & it makes nothingness
a nothing with presence & with greed
it gathers, devours, and multiplies
until its made thick nothingness of me
-
30 April 2007
I wander lost in a world I know not
but one that is all too familiar with me
I have tasted its produce, breathed in its air
it has made a product of me
But in Your Kingdom is where I want to dwell
where the weak are strong & the sick made well
where death has been beaten & peace has been made
it is here I want to spend my days
Though the battle rages & turmoil strikes
I have found what makes me free
In the morn I call on Amazing Grace
and in the night I name it sweet victory
-
Last night as I was tucking Lydia in to bed a thought struck me so suddenly that I wanted to freeze time. Every night that Lydia goes to bed she is different than she was the night before. Every single day her mind is developing and changing, she is growing and learning. It isn't that one day she suddenly knows how to write all of her letters or spell a word. Slowly, over time, her mind absorbs the information she is receiving and she is changed. Little by little. Moment by moment. Day by day.
The same is true for us--maybe not at quite the same speed as when we are young children--but true nonetheless.
Every day of our lives we can look back and say, "I haven't always been this way."
The events we are facing in life, the circumstances we are dealing with, the hardships we have faced, the blessings we have received, the gifts we cherish, the lives we touch and those that have touched ours... we are changing. Every moment. Every day. Every year.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.
I've done a lot of terrible things.
I haven't always been a very good friend to friends I cherish and love deeply.
There have been times I have really hurt people.
And as you can see from the words above, some of the seasons of my life were dark and ugly.
It can be easy to look at times in our lives and feel like failures.
I know I've been there.
But hope is not lost, because Jesus can change us. (2 Cor. 5:17, Rom. 12:2)
Moment by moment.
Day by day.
Year by year.
I am so grateful for the miraculous work Jesus has done in my life. I am so grateful that he didn't leave me where I was, but instead changed me and renewed me so that I can look back at where I have come from to where I am and say with joy and freedom, I am not who I was!
1 Peter 3:15 says "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have."
This is what I am trying to accomplish with this blog. I hope it points to Jesus as the source of my hope, the source of my confidence, the source of my joy, the source of any success I have had in life.
I'm nothing without Jesus.
My talents are nothing without Jesus.
My story would be nothing but darkness if it weren't for Jesus.
I'm going to wrap this blog up with another poem from my old beloved journals. You'll notice this was written some time during that dark period of my life. Jesus was always shining through. He never failed me. He never let me out of his grasp. It just took a little time for me to learn to open my eyes. You know, just like when you step out of a dark room and into the light... it takes a little while for you to see things clearly.
-
21 August 2006
Sweet, sweet embracing sun
rise again for me
Drive away the dark of night
warm the cold of pain
Touch my skin, my sweet raising sun
Let me cradle myself in you
Comfort me in my suffering
Show me the light of day
And when the night time comes again
I will not be afraid
-
Monday, October 13, 2014
i wish i was like her...
I confess that sometimes I wish I was like her...
We have all done it. We have all walked into a room and measured ourself against the backdrop of women (or men) spanning the room. We've decided we don't like certain people before ever knowing their name, hearing their voice, or listening to their story.
We start doing it at such a young age and it breaks my heart.
We compare ourselves; and regardless of whether we feel 'more than' or 'less than' it makes it really difficult to 'love lots'.
When we constantly compare ourselves to those around us it not only eats us up inside, but it deteriorates relationships, sometimes before they have even had the chance to begin.
In college a roommate introduced me to the artist Ani Difranco. Now of course I can't condone everything she writes or expresses, but one lyric of hers has always stuck with me.
"Women should be allies, not competitors"
And to that all the angels in Heaven shouted, "AMEN!"
Deep breath, ladies. Meet me at the table here and let's talk through this.
I'm 28-years-old and I had yet another realization in this department over the weekend. I got the opportunity to meet a beautiful, kind, creative woman. I really like her.
Although, for the sake of honesty and the purpose of this blog, I have to share that when I first saw her picture, before ever meeting her, part of me didn't want to like her. Why? Because I thought she was beautiful and fashionable.
And I suddenly felt "less than".
I know. I'm embarrassed to even put it to pen. Insecurity is never flattering. But maybe, just maybe, someone else can relate.
Of course, I had enough sense in my head and enough Jesus in my heart to push past those initial feelings and really give her a chance.
Like I said before, she is wonderful.
Then I got to hear her share with a group of people that being a stay-at-home-mom is her dream job. She said that her whole life she has always wanted to be a wife and have babies and stay at home raising them.
There it was again. That pang inside that felt confusingly like annoyance. I did a quick inventory to try and understand what I was experiencing. Annoyance wasn't the right word at all. What was it? What was my deal? Surely I was more dignified than this.
ah.
there it was.
I didn't feel annoyed. I felt threatened.
I felt threatened by a beautiful, fashionable, kind, gentle, Jesus-loving woman who was just sharing her truth with us. And here I was doing the worst thing possible in that moment--I was comparing.
Instead of allowing myself to move from threatened to shamed, I embraced God's gift and slipped on over to the land of enlightenment. We need to use these moments to learn more about ourselves and more about the God who created us, or what purpose will they serve?
Why did I feel pain when I heard her share such a beautiful truth about herself? Why would I feel threatened?
So I sought the Lord with these questions, and here's why:
Because God made me differently. And sometimes in my mind different feels like 'not enough' or 'not right'.
You see, I did the stay at home mom thing, and while I LOVE my daughter Lydia with a fierce passion and intensity, I didn't LOVE being at home every day. I longed for the opportunities to use the gifts God had given me and those opportunities just weren't available inside my home. I wanted to to work outside of the home. I wanted a different kind of variety in my week than what I had at home. I had a longing for something else, and on many occasions I felt terribly guilty for this.
I have chosen the above words carefully, because the last thing I want to do is hurt those who love staying at home with their kids. If you stay home with your kids and that is what you want to be doing, good for you! That is so awesome. I love that for you. I really, truly do. There is nothing that I do that makes me better than any mom who chooses to stay home with her kids. I"m sharing this side of the story so that both the stay at home moms and the working moms can sit across from each other and say together, "Yes, sometimes I feel insecure that I'm not as good a mom/woman as you..." and we can say back "You're wonderful. You're beautiful. You're a great mom. You're a great woman."
So let me share an example: when I hear women say, "I want to stay at home with my kids, because I want to raise them." I feel a little hurt, because whether or not that woman means to say it, I feel she is indirectly implying that in fact I am not doing that--I am not raising my kids--because I work.
And that hurts to hear.
Some women are implying that. Of course I have experienced that, but many women are not implying that. And maybe they just really need to find a better way to say that. Just like working moms need to find better ways to express their desire to work.
So I take a deep breath and remind myself of the truth around my life: I am raising my kids and I am loving raising my kids, but I am also 100% loving the work that I get to do every day. I love my time in my office. I love the projects I get to work on and the space that I have to be me, to think, to write, to focus, to breathe, to plan, to prepare, to teach. I love it. I really, really love it. And then, when I go home at the end of the day I am a better mom than if I had been there all day. It's better for me, for us, for my family. It isn't better for everyone, but it is better for me.
When I'm home all day every day I get kind of ugly. Oh I don't mean sweat pants and un-showered ugly, I mean heart ugly. I get impatient and irritated. I get exasperated with and overwhelmed by the house and all of the daily tasks that need done. But there are women who do this, they are home every day, and they do it so gracefully and they love it. THEY LOVE IT. And if I am not careful I find myself comparing myself to them, wishing I was like them, and then resenting them because I am not.
This is why I think it is important to share our stories. So we can understand each other and be patient with one another as we confess to the truths of our hearts and our lives. I keep thinking back to a great lunch I got to have with a beautiful young woman from the local college right before the weekend began. She trusted me enough to share her story with me and to engage in meaningful conversation. In turn, I shared with her my issues of insecurities and anxiety and the intense desire to measure up. It was beautiful. Totally, wonderfully, beautiful and I loved every minute.
As I reflect on the weekend I think back to my lunch conversation with her. We began to discuss Proverbs 31. A lot of women love the Proverbs 31 woman passage. That's great. You should! It is beautiful and poetic and amazing.
But I raised a question to my lunch guest a bit nervous about how she might feel about it. I'm not out trying to shock people or make them feel uncomfortable. I just said that while I love the Prov. 31 woman passage I sometimes feel like it can be used to shame women.
She totally understood.
And let me give just one example before I wrap this up today, if I haven't lost you to boredom already...
Proverbs 31:25 She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
These words are at my bedside. So I see them often.
Sometimes we use this passage to describe women based on their character or the actions and things they have accomplished in their lives. If you survey it from earthly standards, there are a lot of undignified women out there--and often, I would fall into this category.
But I don't believe that a woman's strength and dignity is dependent upon her sole ability to manage those. It simply wouldn't be possible to do.
I believe that a woman is clothed in strength and dignity, because God is her creator, Jesus is her Savior, and the Holy Spirit is her stylist.
Ladies, we are so much more than our fashion sense, our career, how many children we have or do not have, whether or not we stay home with them, or what we've accomplished. We are more than our imperfect moments of jealousy, impatience, emotional instability, arrogance, and greed. I confess to each of you that I am often guilty of comparing myself to other women and it does not bring out the best in me. Instead of trying to measure up to each other, we should just rest in the peace, hope, and promise of Jesus that as daughters of the King, He will clothe us in strength and dignity.
When our identify rests in Jesus, we'll lose the need to compare because we'll find we are standing on common, holy, ground.
We have all done it. We have all walked into a room and measured ourself against the backdrop of women (or men) spanning the room. We've decided we don't like certain people before ever knowing their name, hearing their voice, or listening to their story.
We start doing it at such a young age and it breaks my heart.
We compare ourselves; and regardless of whether we feel 'more than' or 'less than' it makes it really difficult to 'love lots'.
When we constantly compare ourselves to those around us it not only eats us up inside, but it deteriorates relationships, sometimes before they have even had the chance to begin.
In college a roommate introduced me to the artist Ani Difranco. Now of course I can't condone everything she writes or expresses, but one lyric of hers has always stuck with me.
"Women should be allies, not competitors"
And to that all the angels in Heaven shouted, "AMEN!"
Deep breath, ladies. Meet me at the table here and let's talk through this.
I'm 28-years-old and I had yet another realization in this department over the weekend. I got the opportunity to meet a beautiful, kind, creative woman. I really like her.
Although, for the sake of honesty and the purpose of this blog, I have to share that when I first saw her picture, before ever meeting her, part of me didn't want to like her. Why? Because I thought she was beautiful and fashionable.
And I suddenly felt "less than".
I know. I'm embarrassed to even put it to pen. Insecurity is never flattering. But maybe, just maybe, someone else can relate.
Of course, I had enough sense in my head and enough Jesus in my heart to push past those initial feelings and really give her a chance.
Like I said before, she is wonderful.
Then I got to hear her share with a group of people that being a stay-at-home-mom is her dream job. She said that her whole life she has always wanted to be a wife and have babies and stay at home raising them.
There it was again. That pang inside that felt confusingly like annoyance. I did a quick inventory to try and understand what I was experiencing. Annoyance wasn't the right word at all. What was it? What was my deal? Surely I was more dignified than this.
ah.
there it was.
I didn't feel annoyed. I felt threatened.
I felt threatened by a beautiful, fashionable, kind, gentle, Jesus-loving woman who was just sharing her truth with us. And here I was doing the worst thing possible in that moment--I was comparing.
Instead of allowing myself to move from threatened to shamed, I embraced God's gift and slipped on over to the land of enlightenment. We need to use these moments to learn more about ourselves and more about the God who created us, or what purpose will they serve?
Why did I feel pain when I heard her share such a beautiful truth about herself? Why would I feel threatened?
So I sought the Lord with these questions, and here's why:
Because God made me differently. And sometimes in my mind different feels like 'not enough' or 'not right'.
You see, I did the stay at home mom thing, and while I LOVE my daughter Lydia with a fierce passion and intensity, I didn't LOVE being at home every day. I longed for the opportunities to use the gifts God had given me and those opportunities just weren't available inside my home. I wanted to to work outside of the home. I wanted a different kind of variety in my week than what I had at home. I had a longing for something else, and on many occasions I felt terribly guilty for this.
I have chosen the above words carefully, because the last thing I want to do is hurt those who love staying at home with their kids. If you stay home with your kids and that is what you want to be doing, good for you! That is so awesome. I love that for you. I really, truly do. There is nothing that I do that makes me better than any mom who chooses to stay home with her kids. I"m sharing this side of the story so that both the stay at home moms and the working moms can sit across from each other and say together, "Yes, sometimes I feel insecure that I'm not as good a mom/woman as you..." and we can say back "You're wonderful. You're beautiful. You're a great mom. You're a great woman."
So let me share an example: when I hear women say, "I want to stay at home with my kids, because I want to raise them." I feel a little hurt, because whether or not that woman means to say it, I feel she is indirectly implying that in fact I am not doing that--I am not raising my kids--because I work.
And that hurts to hear.
Some women are implying that. Of course I have experienced that, but many women are not implying that. And maybe they just really need to find a better way to say that. Just like working moms need to find better ways to express their desire to work.
So I take a deep breath and remind myself of the truth around my life: I am raising my kids and I am loving raising my kids, but I am also 100% loving the work that I get to do every day. I love my time in my office. I love the projects I get to work on and the space that I have to be me, to think, to write, to focus, to breathe, to plan, to prepare, to teach. I love it. I really, really love it. And then, when I go home at the end of the day I am a better mom than if I had been there all day. It's better for me, for us, for my family. It isn't better for everyone, but it is better for me.
When I'm home all day every day I get kind of ugly. Oh I don't mean sweat pants and un-showered ugly, I mean heart ugly. I get impatient and irritated. I get exasperated with and overwhelmed by the house and all of the daily tasks that need done. But there are women who do this, they are home every day, and they do it so gracefully and they love it. THEY LOVE IT. And if I am not careful I find myself comparing myself to them, wishing I was like them, and then resenting them because I am not.
This is why I think it is important to share our stories. So we can understand each other and be patient with one another as we confess to the truths of our hearts and our lives. I keep thinking back to a great lunch I got to have with a beautiful young woman from the local college right before the weekend began. She trusted me enough to share her story with me and to engage in meaningful conversation. In turn, I shared with her my issues of insecurities and anxiety and the intense desire to measure up. It was beautiful. Totally, wonderfully, beautiful and I loved every minute.
As I reflect on the weekend I think back to my lunch conversation with her. We began to discuss Proverbs 31. A lot of women love the Proverbs 31 woman passage. That's great. You should! It is beautiful and poetic and amazing.
But I raised a question to my lunch guest a bit nervous about how she might feel about it. I'm not out trying to shock people or make them feel uncomfortable. I just said that while I love the Prov. 31 woman passage I sometimes feel like it can be used to shame women.
She totally understood.
And let me give just one example before I wrap this up today, if I haven't lost you to boredom already...
Proverbs 31:25 She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
These words are at my bedside. So I see them often.
Sometimes we use this passage to describe women based on their character or the actions and things they have accomplished in their lives. If you survey it from earthly standards, there are a lot of undignified women out there--and often, I would fall into this category.
But I don't believe that a woman's strength and dignity is dependent upon her sole ability to manage those. It simply wouldn't be possible to do.
I believe that a woman is clothed in strength and dignity, because God is her creator, Jesus is her Savior, and the Holy Spirit is her stylist.
Ladies, we are so much more than our fashion sense, our career, how many children we have or do not have, whether or not we stay home with them, or what we've accomplished. We are more than our imperfect moments of jealousy, impatience, emotional instability, arrogance, and greed. I confess to each of you that I am often guilty of comparing myself to other women and it does not bring out the best in me. Instead of trying to measure up to each other, we should just rest in the peace, hope, and promise of Jesus that as daughters of the King, He will clothe us in strength and dignity.
When our identify rests in Jesus, we'll lose the need to compare because we'll find we are standing on common, holy, ground.
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