I haven't always been this way

I work with teenagers: young people trying to figure out who they are in this world. Some of those teens have gone through difficult, dark times. Sometimes they look at my life now and see a wonderful husband, two amazing daughters, a totally rocking awesome job and they think, "No wonder she is happy. No wonder she says God is faithful. Her life is great."

I want them to have the hope that I have found, but I haven't always been this hopeful about life.

Part of them maybe believes me when I tell them I went through dark times, but I don't think they really get it. Not really.

There was a time in my life when everything inside my head was dark. I knew Jesus. Or at least, I had known Jesus very intimately at one point. But through a variety of negative circumstances and one traumatic event--something had changed.

I was a total mess--completely broken--and my brokenness spewed into all other areas of life, especially my relationships.

People didn't understand me and I didn't know how to be understood. I could have a wonderful day filled with good things, but at the end of the day still feel sad and dark. This only caused me to feel guilty about not being grateful for the good. It was a downward spiral and it rarely let-up. Though not everyone would have known that. There were times when it wasn't so bad. I was struggling with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety and Depression. Anyone familiar with any of those things knows what a roller-coaster that can be.

I've decided to go out on a limb here--after all I did title my blog "Confessions of the Inadequate". I've decided to publicly share a series of poems from what was the spiritually darkest season of my life. The poems span about 18 months. Each would appear in my journal at a starting point, and then reappear--adding words, phrases, et cetera--until they were completed. I've dated the pieces with the dates I finished them. It's a journey from darkness to light--that light being the hope and healing you can only find in Jesus.
I'm sharing these poems not because they are so amazing (that just isn't the case), I'm sharing them because I know somewhere out there people can relate even if just to one line and I think that is important; important for us to realize just how not alone we are. Important to realize that no matter how confident, hopeful, joyful, or put together someone may seem, they have a story and that story probably has some dark moments that have shaped who they are and how they see the world.

These are some of mine.

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28 February 2006

My flesh itches for the taste of tears
falling on the skin
I long & plead & fight for them
to release the pain within

The weapon lies inside of me
wreaking havoc where it falls
It matters not what I fight it with
it torments me all day long

So I wrestle and give myself just to conquer it
as inside it rages war
It smiles as I look in the mirror & whisper
"I don't know who you are"

I think of thoughts more lovely
and turn my face into the sun
but still the darkness finds me there
I've never truly won

-

12 June 2006

The dark & deep, disgraceful hole
finds itself in me again
it lurks among the shadowed places
until it finds my weakness to give in

I try often to escape it
I've ran, I've hidden, & I've fought
but nothing is ever quite enough
to fill the emptiness up

It comes & it makes nothingness
a nothing with presence & with greed
it gathers, devours, and multiplies
until its made thick nothingness of me

-

30 April 2007

I wander lost in a world I know not
but one that is all too familiar with me
I have tasted its produce, breathed in its air
it has made a product of me

But in Your Kingdom is where I want to dwell
where the weak are strong & the sick made well
where death has been beaten & peace has been made
it is here I want to spend my days

Though the battle rages & turmoil strikes
I have found what makes me free
In the morn I call on Amazing Grace
and in the night I name it sweet victory

-

Last night as I was tucking Lydia in to bed a thought struck me so suddenly that I wanted to freeze time. Every night that Lydia goes to bed she is different than she was the night before. Every single day her mind is developing and changing, she is growing and learning. It isn't that one day she suddenly knows how to write all of her letters or spell a word. Slowly, over time, her mind absorbs the information she is receiving and she is changed. Little by little. Moment by moment. Day by day.

The same is true for us--maybe not at quite the same speed as when we are young children--but true nonetheless.

Every day of our lives we can look back and say, "I haven't always been this way."

The events we are facing in life, the circumstances we are dealing with, the hardships we have faced, the blessings we have received, the gifts we cherish, the lives we touch and those that have touched ours... we are changing. Every moment. Every day. Every year.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.
I've done a lot of terrible things.
I haven't always been a very good friend to friends I cherish and love deeply.
There have been times I have really hurt people.
And as you can see from the words above, some of the seasons of my life were dark and ugly.

It can be easy to look at times in our lives and feel like failures.
I know I've been there.

But hope is not lost, because Jesus can change us. (2 Cor. 5:17, Rom. 12:2)
Moment by moment.
Day by day.
Year by year.

I am so grateful for the miraculous work Jesus has done in my life. I am so grateful that he didn't leave me where I was, but instead changed me and renewed me so that I can look back at where I have come from to where I am and say with joy and freedom, I am not who I was! 

1 Peter 3:15 says "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have."

This is what I am trying to accomplish with this blog. I hope it points to Jesus as the source of my hope, the source of my confidence, the source of my joy, the source of any success I have had in life.

I'm nothing without Jesus.
My talents are nothing without Jesus.
My story would be nothing but darkness if it weren't for Jesus.

I'm going to wrap this blog up with another poem from my old beloved journals. You'll notice this was written some time during that dark period of my life. Jesus was always shining through. He never failed me. He never let me out of his grasp. It just took a little time for me to learn to open my eyes. You know, just like when you step out of a dark room and into the light... it takes a little while for you to see things clearly.

-
21 August 2006

Sweet, sweet embracing sun
rise again for me
Drive away the dark of night
warm the cold of pain

Touch my skin, my sweet raising sun
Let me cradle myself in you

Comfort me in my suffering
Show me the light of day
And when the night time comes again
I will not be afraid
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